I conducted a big part of my latest de-cluttering session, with the final output just actually taking the stuff to the recycling centre. I plan to do that tomorrow. The thing is, it’s not that I have just a whole load of junk any more; it’s the things which I haven’t got any space for not because I don’t really have a lot of room in the conventional sense; I’m recycling items which most people would be using: kitchen crockery and utensils; stuff like that. They’re almost the last set of household items I own from my former life of being a homeowner and it’s finally time for me to get rid.

Had I have moved into my own place two years ago, I would be using them on a daily basis, but by flat-sharing with FlatMate, I don’t need to. We ‘merged’ a lot of that stuff a while ago, ie my plates, cutlery, some utensils etc. The rest has just laid in storage, unused. And by the time I move on (lord knows when at this point), I’d be better off just getting new stuff.

I also had to meet Husband today, to get him to sign the ‘withdrawal’ part of the divorce. I was really nervous about meeting him and I got quite nauseous in anticipation. Without being nasty, he has piled on the weight; he’s not just gained a stone, but maybe five-ish. Not as big as he was at his biggest, (circa 2004) but he’s bigger than he was by far by the time he was made to leave in summer 2009. Anyway, he signed the paper, we left and then he came back and asked ‘how is the family’, not sure why, not sure if he actually was bothered, but he did it. I didn’t want him to actually talk to me about anything really. But he did. I think we talked for about two or three sentences, then we left. I know now, for certain, there are no romantic or other such feelings there any more.

I wasn’t in the mood to finish off the de-cluttering (and FlatMate was cabbages on the couch, so he wasn’t going to be of any use), so I ironed a couple of work shirts, did a little tidying and some more chores.

I went out for tea with Emily, one of my closest girl friends. We had a good catch up and then I came home, watched a bit of TV. It’s rather cold, so hopefully the bloody car will start tomorrow. I’ve got a lot I want to do, so I think I’ll relax a bit more now before sleep and then get up early doors and get on with things.

I can’t say that I’ve totally shaken off my slight low esteem from the weekend (and I found out that the ex Tim is back on gaydar, which means nothing will now ever happen there), but I have almost accepted the fact that me and singledom are going to be bedfellows for a very long time. And it’s something I just have to get used to. And that it’s not necessarily a terrible thing.

I’ve just got me to convince of that now!

Hurrah!

In fact it was another one of those ‘got drunk can’t remember how I got home’ situations. I’ve had a few of them and perhaps Friday’s was one too many. I’ve been lucky thus far, with just a little bit of nausea / hangover to deal with. and occasionally being sick

Friday also saw me meeting Tim for a couple of drinks. I hadn’t eaten anything, so I did get a bit drunk but not in front of him. I did want to get back with him but that’s still not going to happen.

So, although I kinda wasted yesterday, I’m off until Wednesday, I hadn’t got anything planned for the day, which was just as well.

Tonight I’m off to see my FlatMate’s drag band performing and I won’t get into that state. Ever again, I really can’t do that. I’ll just end up in some horrible state and then who knows? And I’m far too old to be doing that anyway.

I’ve also completed a bit of de-cluttering too. Got some more to do tomorrow amongst other things.

The whole thing has made me feel a bit sorry for myself and ultimately I need to not feel like that, which means I need to make a few changes to my behaviours.

Onwards and upwards I suppose …

I’m awake, all suited up and about to spend about 12 hours in a car travelling up and down the country for a single client visit. But hey ho, that’s my job.

On a much better note, I booked a weeks’ holiday to Benidorm yesterday; it’s a mate’s fortieth at the end of June so he wanted to have a do in the Spanish resort. I wanted to go, hesitated a bit and then thought ‘fuck it’ and booked it. Hurrah!

First holiday on my own … yikes!

Events turned around somewhat when I got an email from the Solicitors, advising that they were going to process the Withdrawal and resubmit with the correct dates on. So the divorce was still on! And whilst this wasn’t free, it was discounted. Which was better than the fees I was expecting to pay later on in the year.

I had to get Husband to agree to sign the withdrawal document, which he said he would. So when I receive the paperwork, I have to meet him to get him to sign it. Which he agreed to do.

I also manned up and (politely as I could) told Colin that we couldn’t do Saturday. He seemed oblivious of the arrangements we had talked about, and he was going out, and asked me what I was doing. I explained more fully, and that seems to be the last I’ve heard of him.

I don’t think he’s in a strop or anything, just doesn’t really care / is bothered. Which has eased my conscience somewhat, as I don’t want to lead anyone on, especially as I don’t think he’s that bad. I know what others think of him and I am, let’s say, concerned, about even the prospect of entering a relationship with someone with more baggage than me!

Ah well.

So I’m off round to my mates’ house for drinks and he’s cooking a chilli, so it should be good fun. I’ve got some work to do over the weekend too, and I’m off out with Tim’s housemate tomorrow for lunch tomorrow so should be a decent weekend.

Hurrah!

Further long argument with Husband, and the bit which hurt the most was the fact he claimed that he did nothing wrong! He also says he isn’t in a financial position to pay either, so that’s that. It winded me, but I didn’t feel it until today. I did email the useless solicitors advising that I formally wanted to withdraw the petition, so could they advise me who I needed to speak to or if they would do it.

I suspect it’s on their “respond to eventually” list as I’ve not had anything back today. I told Husband that I would advise him of my actions in due course. I plan to re-do it, under my own steam as I’ve got all the paperwork as examples, so pretty much know the routine now. It’s cost me enough to find out (not funny). However I want to actually try and enjoy this year and it’s going to be tough for me, but going through the motions of divorce again will only make things harder.

Have also felt really uncertain about Colin today. Think it’s a very bad move asking him to stay over at my mates’ place, so he’s going to get told that’s the night is cancelled. I think it’s a bit presuming too much of my mate and a bit rude. Not sure how to broach the subject, but he’ll get advised tomorrow. Tim also played his usual trick of cancelling the planned night out tomorrow, citing that he needs to get ready for his weekend away in London. Nothing changes there then; he did it often enough when we were together, so why change now? I didn’t really expect him to keep this appointment, but it’s always a kick in the gut when it happens. Hopefully Colin won’t see it like that (a little double-standards perhaps?).

I’ve felt quite low for most of the day, and if I had the money, I’d quite happily relocate away as soon as practicable, as I fell I’m just stuck. It’s probably just tiredness and all the emotional shit flying around me that’s caused it.

Hopefully I’ll feel better after a good nights’ sleep.

Work ended up being a fair bit of a bitch (lots to do, little time to do anything), and I had planned on leaving early (to get ready to meet Colin), but I ended up leaving late. Which was okay as Colin was almost an hour late to meet me. Thankfully, I had other friends out, which kept me amused.

When he did show up, I got straight away FlatMate’s impression of his voice was too spookily spot on. He also was far camper than I thought he would be, but I am not convinced he knows that some of his mannerisms are quite camp.

We talked for a long time, (Flatmate would have described some of the conversations as ‘boring’ but I let him talk) and there is something about him that I do like. I have to be careful as I think he’d try to be a total player. He was wanting me to go out Saturday night, but I’ve already arranged a night in at a mate’s place, I’m staying over and I did invite him over a couple of times. He was also quite insistent on me going out (and going to Gran Canaria in May), which although it would be nice, I don’t think I can either afford it, or ultimately want to go. It would be my third year on the trot and if Colin behaves like I think he would, then I wouldn’t want to go with him.

The tune changed whereby he did say he would stay over with me at my mates’ place on Saturday. I kinda potentially messes with my Sunday plans, but hey ho will see what happens.

He text me to say he got home okay, which he said he would. I replied saying I had, and that I had a great night. He replied advising that he was deff up for sleeping with me on Sat night, ,so I acknowledged that, saying it would be a nice and said (you flatterer), as a bit of a joke. He asked what I meant so I explained, so he asked if I wanted to have sex as well, (which I took it as read, to be fair; when someone says to me “sleeping with them” in that context, I take it as sex ). I did say that would be nice, but if he didn’t mean sex then I would still be okay for him to come round and stay with me.

He’s not replied, but it was about 01:40 at that point.

So, I enjoyed myself (good), unsure where this will go (neutral), not expecting a relationship out of this (good), some friends think he’s a nutcase (bad). Not exactly sure what I’ll say to my mate on Saturday, as I’m not entirely sure how Tim will take it (Tim lives next door to my other mate, not that it’s really any of his business any more. Still; I may find out how Tim really feels about me now). I am also expecting Colin to not want to take this anywhere near serious level, as he’s on every gay slag app possible and he’s still a bit hung up over his ex, which is understandable given they’ve only been split up a couple of weeks.

I don’t want to get shit on again, so i will be taking this with kid gloves.

Hmmmmm …

Had a chat with Flatmate this morning about Colin & tonight. He’s not keen on him “dull as dishwater”, “devious” and other such optimistic comments.

I can take those on the chin, as it’s something I should find out for myself (though be a bit wise & not let myself get drawn into another mess).

One comment which seems to be bearing true is that Flatmate predicted that Colin would want to go to a specific pub due to that pub hosting a regular special evening and certain people will be there. Lo and behold, that what has been suggested.

I also think that I can’t let myself be dragged into thinking this is something it’s not. I have to go with the premise that this is meeting someone for a drink, possibly with other friends there, and that’s it.

I have to assume that comments / suggestions made on Sunday were not reflective of anything true, more said on the basis of horniness.

If I don assume that, I’m going to end up being disappointed over an expectation which didn’t happen.

Ah well! I’ll see what happens. It’ll be a cheap night out if anything (bar has promotions so that’s ok).

So I got into the swing of doing work, getting though things. Had lunch, just being okay. Rather calm and relaxed, occasionally chuckling away to myself. And then I get a welcoming text from Colin, just saying ‘afternoon’. I replied back, taking on board what the conversation ended on yesterday, so I made a point not to be too forward or rude. We exchanged a few pleasantries and that was ‘it’, so far.

I then got on with the rest of my day and I’ve been quite relaxed since.

Quite good really!

Work has also been good, with enough tasks to keep me busy, but not too busy to get me over-worked. Naturally.

Got to lunchtime and I decided to get more de-icer and I also ended up with some food (I seem to be a compulsive food shopper). En route to the car, I decided to text Colin, to try and see if anything is happening. After a couple of successful texts, I believe I’m meeting him on Wednesday for some drinks. I’ve also found out he’s living with his parents (think he moved back after him splitting up with his bf) and he wanted to know what else I had in mind. At this point I was thinking he just wanted a shag, so I said that I was happy to meet him on Weds and that based on the conversation we had yesterday, I said that he wanted to do something quite unrepeatable to me!

Oddly enough, he’s not replied since then …